We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack and Will
by maybethedreamisdreamingus
Summary: Rated for language and dodgyness. Me and my friends go sailing in the Burmuda triangle and end up in potc. We spend most of our time lusting after Jack and Will, as the title would suggest. And enjoying other miscreant behaviours. :::complete::: finally!
1. Yellow Fog and Nicknames

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack and Will

Chapter 1: Yellow fog and nicknames.

"C'mon, lets nick one!" I was with the usual suspects, Bry, Libby, Megi, Shiky and Jennifer. Also known as 'that wierd girl', Mavis, Captian Morgana, The Leverage and 'Lord of the Rings!' respectively. All these nicknames have an important history which I will put at the end of chapter 2 as a 'special feature'.

For no apparent reason (or at least no reason that is relevent to the plot) we were on a beach on the coast of Burmuda. I had decided that we should steal a conveniently located dingy and attempt to row out to an island we could see in the very, very far away distance. Megi was enthusiastic about anything vaugly related to sailing and therefore pirates. Bry said she would come if there would be alcahol. The rest were harder to convince. So I siad "Jennifer, you could row in a rowboat like the fellowship down the river Anduin coming out of Lothlorien!" that got Jennifer on board and after various threats I managed to get Libby and Shiky in the boat.

After rowing for a while we got tired "Just leave it." I siad "the tide will carry us towards the island!"

"Are so sure Hannah?"

"Shiky my dear, trust me. I know these things." I closed my eyes and proceeded to sunbathe.

When I opened my eyes again everyone was asleep. Except for Bry who was reading, Bry was always reading. I inspected my shoulders which were beggining to burn and stared out to sea. I turned in another direction and I was still staring out to sea. I turned and twisted in every direction but all I could see was endless ocean.

"Oh shit."

I roused the others from thier sleep and attempted to rouse Bry from her book but was unsuccessfull in the latter. "have any of you guys recently noticed how much of a fuckwit I am?" I received a general chorus of "yes" I decided that this was not the time to react to their comments and simply carried on "I may have done something even more fuckwitted then usual." Suddenly they noticed our predicament. Libby was the first to react "Hannah you fuckwit!"

"yes I think we have already established that I am a fuckwit."

There was a long pause in which Bry finally looked up from her book. "Whats happened?" she asked noticing that something wasn't quite right "Hannah's just killed us all." Shiky answeres her "oh, ok" Bry went back to her book. "No like actually killed us. We all going to die." said Libby, always the optimist "I may have let us drift out to sea." I admitted. Bry stared at me "but...we have...no food...no...food...no..no...no..." Bry became a quivering ball at the bottom of the boat.

Suddenly Megi stood "I know!" she said with a light bulb on her head which she removed before continuing "we can use my compass to guide us back to shore!"

"And we can use my pistol to shoot seagulls for food!" Libby added. I looked at them both "A pistol with one shot and a compass that dosn't point north."

"but my compass does point north!"

"No it dosn't. Look at it!" everyone (apart from Bry who was still a quivering ball) looked at Megi's compass. The arrow was spinning wildly. "oh my god!" Shiky exclaimed "we're in the Burmuda triangle!"

"No we're not!" Jennifer hadn't really spoken yet and it was weird "what's that yellow fog?" asked Libby ignoring everyone "yellow fog?" suggested Megi helpfully "very thick" I said as it descended upon us. Somewhere amonst the yellow fumes Megi giggled

"I feel dizzy"


	2. Sarcastic Kittens and Why it is Importan...

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will

Chapter 2:

Sarcastic Kittens and Why it is Important to Respect The Plot

I opened my eyes and for no apparent reason was strongly compelled to check my watch. I had been unconcious for four hours and I had had some really weird dreams. Next to me Libby was also waking up "Woah dude, that was like, a major trip." I looked at her "what are you comparing that to?" she shifted uncomfortably "I mean...nothing...I was joking...honest..." This conversation could have led somewhere interesting if it had not been for everyone else waking up. "Go back to sleep you idiots! This fanfic was just about to develope a plot!" but it was no use. No one has any respect for the plot in parodys. Everyone was slowly waking. Just looking a little bit high, not that that was particularly unusual. "Wahaho! That was fun!" Megi had woken up "my head" gurgled Shiky miserably clutching at her forehead. "Hehehe! Pretty colours!" Bry was still out, but obviously coming round as she had begun to sleeptalk "mmmm....rice" all in the boat stared at Bry who opened her eyes blearily "what happened?" she asked. It just so happend that I knew exactly what had happend, knowing all about the Burmuda triangle for no apparent reason "well, we were enveloped in a magical yellow fog which put us to sleep while we were transported into another dimension."

"How do you know that?"

"Well someone had to know otherwise how we got here would remain unexplained and it would confuse the readers and I like my readers. I wouldn't want to confuse them!" I turned and smiled at you. "Hey! A ship!" Megi was very excited "And look theres a person standing at the front!" I got out my pocket binoculars that I just happened to be carrying and looked through them, "Oh my god!"

"What?!"

"I've just found out where we are!"

"WHERE!!?"

"By the use of magical inter-dimensional travel we have been transpoted into the movie Pirates Of The Caribbean!"

"hehe, you said trans" Libby giggled "Omigod omigod omigod omigod!" Megi had begun to hyperventilate "why couldn't we get transported into Lord Of The Rings?" I rounded on Jennifer "because, I for one would much rather be doing battle with Norrington then a ringwraith and in lotr Orlando Bloom looks like a woman and allthough Aragorn is absolutely gorgeous he is way to angsty and besides he is completely in love with that Arwen chick. Jack Sparrow, on the other hand, is simply way cooler and currently single. Savvy?"

"No"

"I care not"

I looked through the binoculars and tried to block out the sound of Jennifers annoyed voice going on and on about how Legolas is not gay and Aragorn is extremely cool by watching Johnny-Depp-With-Dreads shouting orders to his crew. When Jennifer had finally shut up, Shiky suggested that we should try to catch the attention of someone on the ship. Preferably Jack or Will and preferably before it sailed right passed us and we were alone in the middle of the ocean again.

After some mad jumping up and down we managed to get the attention of Cotton, whose parrot flew around the captains incredibly attractive head till he stopped trying to bat it away and saw us. We rowed up to the side of the boat and ropes were let down to haul us up. When I was pulled over the side of the boat I found myself in the arms of Will Turner. I was very happy with the situation. When Megi was pulled over the side of the boat she found herself in the arms of Jack Sparrow. She fainted.

When Megi came round she looked up to see Jack standing over her "marry me" she said dreamily "I think she's got servere heatstroke" he said to me. I nodded in total agreement. At that point in time though, he could have siad 'aren't the nazis lovely people' and I would have agreed. Bry was staring at Will. It was most likely she was imaging him without his shirt. "Jack...shes staring at me..." he said "yes. Yes she is." was all the answer he got. Shiky was chatting to Anamaria and Jennifer was talking to Cotton's parrot. Not talking to Cotton through his parrot but actually having a conversation with the parrot. Apparently the bird was actually interested in her endless talk about hobbits. Not that you could really tell.

I decided that it was a hopeless case trying to flirt with Will, at least untill I could think of a strategy to get him off the subject of Elizabeth. So I decided to join Libby and Megi in flirting with Jack. Jack didn't seem particularly bothered by the situation.

The ship had begun on its course again (namely the rescue-Elizabeth-mission) and I was at the front pretending I was in Titanic. Looking down I saw a piece of driftwood and on it a beraggled kitten. In a moment of utter stupidity and possible risk even of Mary-Sue-ishness (god forbid!) I decided to risk my own life for the little black kitten and dived into the water. I managed to grab the ball of fluff and was once again pulled onto the ship via rope by Will. I could have gotten my balance but I decided that it would be better just to collapse exagerratedly into his arms. "are you all right miss?" awwww he's so cute when he's anxious "don't call me miss, my name's Hannah"

"That would be highly improper"

"you're a pirate. Screw propriety!"

"I am not a pirate!"

the kitten I was holding made a sarcastic noise. Bry, through some miracle, looked up from her book "who made that sarcastic noise? I know that sarcastic noise!"

"It was this!" I said holding out the kitten for her to see. The kitten began to complain. Not in the normal upset kitten way but in the scary talking kitten way "I am not a 'this' I have a name. I can also walk perfectly well so you can put me down and would someone please get me a towel, I'm soaking!" at this point everyone on board was staring at the kitten. "what are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a talking cat before?" Bry looked as if she'd been hit over the head with the frying pan of realisation. "Gina?" she said in disbelief "No, Tinky-Winky" said Gina-The-Sarcastic-Kitten "but, you were dead! I killed you remember?"

"yeah, and now I've been reincarnated as a black cat."

"why did you become a cat?" I asked breaking the sisterly reunion. "well it was a choice between that and a stick insect" said Gina-The-Sarcastic-Kitten "We should't have a black cat on the ship, it will bring bad luck!" the crew nodded their agreement at Gibbs's statement. "But it's not just any black cat!" I cried "it's Gina-The-Sarcastic-Kitten!"

"It's the reincarnation of my sister!" cried Bry. The crew looked to their captain. Jack waved an unsteady hand "let the strange cat stay. It's no trouble to us."


	3. Opium and Powdered Wigs

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will

Chapter 3: Opium and Powdered Wigs

Jack was very angry the next morning, allthough behaving in a relativly normal manner. His movements were quite steady and it seemed his speech would have been almost intelligent, had he not been so furious. But as it was his every second word was an expletive "Where the fuck is it? Someone fucking stole my entire fucking stash!"

"You okay dude?" Libby was slightly concerned "No I am fucking not! I need it! You don't understand, I NEED it!"

"What? P? Speed? Cannibis?" Libby looked hopeful "No! My opium!"

"Chill dude, you need some alcohol" Hannah advised him "come to think of it, I need some alcohol..."

"Well no one can have any alcohol! Some one stole all my fucking rum too!" Bry suddenly appeared holding an empty bottle of rum "hi!-hic-you're my friends!" Jack looked as if he could murder her.

After a while it became clear that Bry was not just drunk "Bry...have you, taken anything..." Libby asked her and aside to Hannah she said "Opium dosn't do that does it? I mean it just knocks you out and makes you have weird dreams, she's definately on something else"

"mushrooms are yummy!" gurgled Bry "Yesh! Mushrooms are gooooood!" Jack went pale and ran into his cabin to check his bottom drawer "No! I don't beleive it, my magic mushrooms, she's taken all of them!" he appeared back on deck and started shouting orders to the crew "What are you doing?" Will had come on the scene "I'm turning the boat around, we're heading back to Tortuga"

"But why?"

"I need drugs! I need alcohol! We're going back to Tortuga to replenish stores of both."

"I don't care about you're drugs! What about Elizabeth?"

"Screw Elizabeth!"

"Well actually that was what I was hoping to do!"

There was shocked silence except for Hannah, Libby, Megi, Shiky and Jennifer eating the popcorn that had materialised suddenly as the were watching the scene. Finally Hannah broke the silence "well, that was the last thing anyone expected him to say" Shiky agreed but Gina didn't "he's a man, all men are always thinking about getting laid"

"yes but this is Will" said Hannah "for a long time we weren't sure he was a man!"

"And even when we sure of that we still wern't certain he was straight" added Libby.

They returned to the scene they were watching to find that Jack was at the wheel steering towards Tortuga and Will had gone to sulk in his room "So we're going to Tortuga, party island!" Hannah was trying to maintain a positive outlook "oh yay! We're going to hang with the prostitutes!" Gina-The-Sarcastic-Kitten was living up to her name. Bry was hanging dangerously far out over the side of the ship "pretty, sparkly water! I'm happy!"

Bry was creeping around the cabins at night, she was still quite high and more then a little drunk "hehe, I'm a spy! I will spy on yoooouuuu!" she giggled to no one in particular. She peered into Jacks cabin where Hannah was attempting to seduce Jack, this usually didn't have much affect but Jack was having too much withdrawel to defend himself properly. She moved on to the next room.What she saw then was more disturbing then anything she had ever see in her life (and she had seen some pretty disturbing things she did, after all, go to massey). She pulled her eye away from the keyhole she had been peering through.

Bry woke up at the crack of noon. Her head throbbed with one of the worst hangovers known to mankind and she had absolutely no memory of anything that had happened the previous night. She opened her eyes blearily and rolled over. But she wasn't alone, she had rolled over onto some one. She blinked, clearing her vision. That some one was Norrington. Bry's screaming woke the entire ship, and possibly the entire world. Even the immortal Bootstrap Bill sitting on the ocean floor heard it and thought he had finally died and gone to hell.

Everyone came out of their cabin to watch Bry jump shrieking into the water and begin to scrup herself compulsivly with one of Norringtons overly-pompus powdered wigs. Recovering slightly from the shock Libby noticed that Hannah and Jack had suddenly become very close. In fact she was completely draped over him "that's slightly disturbing" she commented. Shiky agreed, Jennifer was oblivious as to what Libby was commenting on and Megi was too busy giving Hannah green-eyed death stares to partake in the conversation "that's simply disgusting" said Bry, calming down enough to speak as she clambered back onboard the ship "he is like, three times your age!"

"I'm the authour of this fic, I can make myself however old I like" shrugged the girl who had, overnight, gone from her early teens to late twenties just because she felt like it "anyway, I made you guys all slightly older so you can have illicit love affairs too!" there was much general approval for this idea.

Hannah and Libby had stationed themselves in the crows nest at the top of the mast and had set about remaking a venga-boys hit:

"Woah! We're going to Tortuga

Woah! Back to the island

Woah! We're gonna have a party

Woah! In the Carribean sea..."

Meanwhile below on deck Shiky was probing Bry for the answer to the question on everyones mind: What the fuck was up with her this morning?

"Bry you can trust me. I won't tell anyone" Bry took a deep breath "okay...well...you know last night I was...a little drunk"

"actually you were completely off your face and floating somewhere in the stratosphere" came Libby's voice from above "yes, well" Bry continued "because I was...in that...state, I did something that normally I never would have done. And to emphasis my point of the state I was in I will point out that I have no memory of the actual event! All I know is that this morning when I woke up I was-I was-oh god! I was lying next to Norrington" she began to shake compulsively "Bry!" Megi, who had overheard the conversation, said loudly "you did it with Norrington!"

"shhhhh!" said Bry "please don't tell anyone else!" Hannah and Libby's singing had come to an abrupt end when they heard Megi's comment "you fucked Norrington?!" Hannah practically screamed. Libby's eyes were wide with horror "but the wigs! The wigs!"

"YES!!!" screamed Bry "yes! Okay? Yes! I slept with Norrington!!!"

There was silence except for cotton's parrot "squak-you shouldn't 'ave done that-squak-you shouldn't 'ave fucked him" Bry turned and ran into her cabin screaming. "What I don't understand" said Shiky "is why is Norrington on Jacks ship" everyone turned to the authour "ah, all will be revealed in due course" she said "and by the way, Jack dosn't know yet so don't tell him. I'm gonna keep that little surprise for him until chapter five I think."


	4. Basil Brush and The Minions of Shooter

Disclaimer: I own none of the recognisable settings or characters. I do not own my friends either (their souls belong to Satan).

Authors Note: It has just been brought to my attention that I at some point switched from 1st person to 3rd person, I have no idea when that happened but who cares anyway. This is after all, just a parody, if I did it one of my serious fics I might be concerned but this is just for fun and so I don't think it matters that much, if your looking for quality of writing then I suggest you stop reading parodies. (And go check out my serious fics! I promise I take much more care with them. - )

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack and Will

Chapter Four

The Minions of Shooter and The Problems With Being Colourblind

As Tortuga island came into view this is what all of our main characters were doing: Hannah and Libby had once again begun their delightful although slightly-out-of-tune sing/shout-ing and they had now gotten Megi to join their angelic choir. Jennifer was attempting to grow hair on her feet and Shiky was watching her whilst humming various Good Charlotte tunes (attempting to block out the sound of "woah! We're gonna have a party! Woah! In the Caribbean sea!"). Bry was looking over the side of the boat contemplating the possibility of drowning herself. Will was doing much the same thing as he had become suicidally depressed through his irritating love-sickness. Jack was going through the final stages of severe withdrawal and had become a quivering ball in the middle of the deck, Anamaria having taken over his duties as captain. Norrington was having some kind of disagreement with Cotton.

It had to be said that the argument was pretty one sided as Cotton wasn't really saying much. But his parrot was flapping around their heads making more noise then anyone else on the ship, including the trio who had just decided they would be known by the astoundingly original name of 'The Vengagirls' and who had just moved onto their politically themed hit 'What Shall We Do When The Greens Take Over'.

Meanwhile, Gina was watching this noisy parrot with increasing agitation "will someone please shut that damn thing up!" but because she was a kitten, no one paid any attention to her whatsoever. And so she continued to watch the parrot circle with increasingly hungry eyes.

As they came into the harbour at Tortuga they passed another pirate ship, Anamaria suddenly became uncharacteristicly dreamy "What ship is that?" Megi asked, wishing to become an expert on all things pirate. A dreamy smile came across Anamaria's face "The Rainey Day From Hell"

"They spelt 'rainy' wrong" said Megi motioning to the words engraved on the side of the ship proclaiming its name "yes, but I think it's some kind of pun relating to other films by Johnny Depp" said Shiky "whats a film?" asked Anamaria. Nobody bothered answering her question, but instead Hannah asked her another question "so, what made you suddenly go uncharacteristicly dreamy?"

"that" she said giving her small brass telescope to Hannah for her to look at the crew of The Rainey Day From Hell "wow, yeah I see what you mean!" she said. There was a clamor to look through the telescope, Megi won. What she saw amazed her, the entire crew looked alike. And all of them bore a remarkable resemblance to Jack "Oh my god!" cried Megi "it's every character Johnny Depp has ever played in pirate form!"

"whose Johnny Depp?" once again everyone ignored Anamaria.

As they exited the ship and tottered around the dock for a bit getting used to walking on a surface that **wasn't **moving, the crew of The Rainey Day From Hell were doing much the same thing (except with slightly less tottering). Shiky tottered round and bumped into Jennifer, Jennifer tottered round and bumped into Hannah, Hannah bumped into Megi, Megi bumped into Bry, Bry into Libby and Libby into the captain of The Rainey Day From Hell. He looked remarkably like Jack except that under his pirate captainy hat his hair was blonde and shorter then Jacks (though still kinda long) and he had glasses. Libby looked up "hey dude" she said dreamily and then, "hey! Your that schizo dude!" he was confused "do I know you?"

"well, no" she admitted but quickly brightened "but you do now! I'm Libby and you're the crazy dude in the bathrobe!"

"It's not a bathrobe!" he said indignantly "it's my spiffy pirate coat!"

"yes well it looks like a bathrobe, and anyway it isn't your fault you wear that unstyley thing, you're seeking comfort after what Amy did to you" said Hannah sounding unnaturally intelligent "I'll comfort you!" the outburst from Anamaria caused everyone to turn and stare "what?" she said defensively "I thought you were the last sane person left in this godforsaken madhouse of a fanfiction!" wailed Gina, utterly distraught "don't tell me your going to start chasing innocent males around till they fear for their lives too!"

"wait a minute!" burst out Hannah "are you calling us Mary-Sues!" Gina surveyed the girl down her nose as only a kitten can "of course not, I'm not that cruel. I'm simply calling you desperate" she said "oh, well that's okay then" said Hannah, her usual unnaturally happy look settling back into its rightful place.

"Listen!" said Anamaria getting irritated "just because I'm the obligatory 'tough female character' doesn't mean I'm immune to the total gorgeousness of various males! It doesn't make me any less strong 'cause I have a crush goddammit!"

"Of course" said Hannah in an uncharacteristicly calming voice "It's just that no living female can resist the total gorgeousness of Johnny Depp"

"Well at least she hasn't fucked Jack yet" Libby added to help calm the close-to-tears pirate "what? Oh, ah ...yes, no I haven't" everyone turned to Anamaria and Bry yelled triumphantly "I told you so! He fucked her, **then **he stole her ship! " Anamaria turned very red "it wasn't exactly like that" she said.

It took a while for everyone to get over the revelation about the history of Anamaria and Jack (and even longer to stop Megi from murdering Anamaria in a jealous rage.) But once the situation was again under control the dressing-gown wearing captain of the Rainey Day From Hell asked "whose Amy? "

Wind whistled through the silence and if their had been any crickets, they would have chirping. Because that's what crickets do, they chirp. Then a booming voice came down from the sky and told the author to stop going on about crickets and get on the bloody story. So she did.

"You know Ami, your ex" there was a blank expression painted on Mort's face (someone had painted it on when he had been asleep and he still hadn't realised) "you are Mort? "

"yes" he said impatiently "I am Mort Rainey, captain of the Rainey Day From Hell, but I still don't know who the hell you are or how you know who I am" then something seemed to click in his mind, like the clicking of a joint (not that sort of joint you stoner! ) except that their aren't any joints in the mind so it can't have been that. Then again he does have two personalities so they have to be joined somehow and maybe it was that joint that clicked. It was then that the booming voice returned "stop procrastinating! " it proclaimed "but I like procrastinating" said the author "but don't you like writing fanfiction? " asked the booming voice sweetly "well ... yes ... I suppose"

"So wouldn't you rather be writing fanfiction then procrastinating? "

"I'd rather be procrastinating when I'm suppose to be writing fanfiction! " the booming voice was close to admitting defeat "just shut up and get on with the story! " boomed the booming voice boomily " 'boomily' isn't a word! " said the unnamed critic. Suddenly Basil Brush appeared out of thin air and shouted "boom-boom! " this was too much for the booming voice, "the story! " it shrieked "the story! "

"okay, okay" said the author "right where were we? "

"I had just had an idea about who all you guys are" said Mort "oh, okay then" said the author and launched back into the story.

Something had just clicked in Mort's mind "If you've been sent here by Shooter, go back and tell him that I won't be intimidated that easily, and that he can take his plagerism theories and stick 'em up his-"

"we're not minions of Shooter" said Shiky, cutting him off just in time for best comedic effect "oh" said Mort "well if you see him be sure to tell him that anyway"

"Sure thing dude" Libby seemed completely unperturbed by the idea that he was asking her to pass on a message to his other personality.

"Actually" said Megi "technically you sent Shooter." Mort was very confused "maybe we should let him figure all that out in his own time" advised Hannah in a rare and unnatural bout of apparent intelligence (but we all know appearances can be deceiving) "How come he knows Shooter if he doesn't know Amy? Explain that plot-hole if you can" sneered the unnamed critic "well" said the author "it's quite simple really, because Shooter is really nothing more then a part of Mort's mind, he exist where none of the other characters do, he will have just been brought into 'existence' by a different trigger event" she grinned like a satisfied cat and the unnamed critic went away muttering.

"Why are there so many cat metaphore cleshes? " asked Gina "why cats? Why not dogs or irritating little parrots? "

"maybe the cleshe lady really likes cats" shrugged Megi "ew" said Hannah "oh! That's just NOT RIGHT! " yelled Libby before becoming a twitching heap on the floor "what's wrong with her? " asked Anamaria kicking the now violently shaking Libby "oh, she'll be fine" said Hannah brightly "she just got a mental image of our english teacher performing indecent acts upon a cat"

"who do you have for english? " asked Gina going pale (if it's possible for a kitten to go pale) "oh no, she's a perfectly nice person really, if a little ... individual" Hannah assured the alarmed cat "I just like twisting peoples words into something dodgy that's all" Libby started to slowly uncurl "are you okay? " asked Shiky holding out a hand to pull her up "I'll be fine now ... I think" said Libby shakily. Mort looked concerned "are you sure you're okay? " he said, he seemed to have taken a shine to Libby ever since she (literally) ran into him. Libby noticed this fact and therefore immediately forgot all her cares "fine, just fine" she assured him with what was probably supposed to be an alluring smile "okay" he said "well we're having a party on board my ship tonight and you're welcome to come along"

"alcohol? " said Bry immediately "in large quantities" Mort assured her "we'll be there! " Bry yelled gleefully and the others cheered their agreement. Jack asked quietly if anyone knew were he could purchase some items of especial importance, pirate from the Rainey Day From Hell who looked remarkably like a victorian detective who would be involved in finder the murderer of several London prostitutes and end up falling in love with one (Note from author: Lucky bitch.) "why don't you just SAY that he's Fred Abberline, Johnny Depp's character out of From Hell" said the Unnamed Critic "shut up" said the author. Fred said he knew where Jack could get some drugs.

"Shopping! Shopping! We're going shopping! " Hannah sang, literally skipping with delight at the thought of trawling through Tortuga's high street with a purse full of pirate gold that she'd managed to extract from Jack, she probably stole it (either that or something no-one wants to know about) . Libby thought this was thoroughly excellent also and therefore joined in the singing. Megi joined them also, not so much because she liked shopping but more because she liked skipping down public roads singing loudly.

"Right" said Jack to the assembled group "me an' Fred here are gonna go purchase some important supplies, you girls go amuse yourselves looking at dresses"

"What am I going to do?" whined Will, he had become very whiny and annoying of late, this was probably some affect of the prolonged detour from rescuing his girlfriend "I said" Jack answered patiently "you girls go amuse yourselves looking at dresses"

"Ha bloody ha" said Will before making a rude gesture at Jack and striding off towards the overly-pompous hat store. Norrington, whose presence was still unexplained and still unnoticed by anyone who was SUPPOSED to be in the movie, went with him.

"Oooooh! Look! Evening gowns imported from France" Hannah had gotten into the fashion of the 1800's in a very big way, although she had refused to wear a corset as they were a symbol of female oppression. In fact she had started designing badges for a rebellion group, most of which had slogans along the lines of "fuck corsets" . But at that precise moment she was laden down with a great many boxes of dresses and shawls and funny little umbrella things. Libby was in a similar state to Hannah, although it must be said that her pile of boxes was considerably smaller then Hannah's (no one could beat the shopping queen) . Bry was sitting gin a bookshop pining for fanfiction until someone (possibly Basil Brush) reminded her that she was in fact **in **a fanfiction, as this realisation dawned on her like the dawning of a rather dimwitted sun she jumped up and down with ecstasy (the feeling not the drug ... well probably a combination of both) . Megi was attempting to hold off internet and playstation withdrawal by trawling the shops for a quality pirate hat.

Before returning to the ship the girls decided to stop at one of the many coffee houses that dotted the street (that's factually correct! Coffee houses were really popular in the 1800's, proof that some things never change, they just get given brand names) . Upon entry Hannah and Libby were devastated to hear that the shop did not sell frappacino's "it's a 19th century coffee house not bloody starbucks!" said Gina "Of course they don't have frappacino's! They don't frappaccino's, cappaccino's or mochaccino's!" no one was quite sure when the kitten had joined them but she was definatly making her presence known now. Hannah was stunned by Gina's news "no ... mocha? But what will I drink?" then she passed out cold.

"Well, that got her out of the way" grinned the kitten "wait" said Shiky "if the author has just passed out cold then whose writing this fic?" everyone pondered this for a moment before deciding that this kind of twisting of perceptions and warping of the boundaries of reality was simply too complicated so they all decided to forget about it. Coffee's and hot chocolates were ordered and, upon awakening, Hannah ordered one of each and mixed them together, thus solving the mochaccino crisis.

Hannah then announced that it was that special time during any shopping trip, commonly known as The Review Of Purchases. Megan began "I bought a hat and an eye-patch and a peg-leg and a hook-hand!" Basil saw his cue "peg-leg and a hook-hand, bet that cost an arm and a leg!" he cackled "boom-boom!" everyone was silent, not even Gina could think of sarcastic enough words to describe the utter crapness of the joke (although she did try very hard) "well" said Bry breaking the horrified silence "I bought some books"

"shocking" said Gina, feeling she had to make up for her lack of sarcasm towards Basil "I bought a waistcoat" announced Jennifer, and if you can't figure out what that has to do with anything then I suggest you have a look at the cotumes of the hobbit's in Lord of the Rings. Hannah decided it was her turn to tell about her purchases. She pulled in a deep breath for what was obviously going to be a very long list "I bought a red dress and a blue dress and a green dress and a yellow dress and a white dress and a purple dress and a black dress and a brown dress you know what the interesting thing about colours is that you might be colour-blind but just not know it I mean how do I know what red looks like, maybe what I think red looks like actually looks like blue or purple that makes you think about a lot of things take the colour brown for example maybe they couldn't figure out which colours brown should be made out of which is why brown looks like every colour and maybe-"

"Hannah!" broke in Bry "shut up!"

"I'm sure I've heard that speech somewhere before ... something to do with chicken... " mused Shiky

Now that the nessesery caffine and sugar intake had been had it was time to return to the ship and begin the lengthy process of preperation for the party on board The Rainey Day From Hell. All the girls wore gorgeous 19th century dresses with pretty little umbrella's, with the exception of Megi, who was kitted up in full pirate gear, and Jennifer who had decided to dress up as a hobbit, prosthetic feet and all. The others tried to explain to her that the party was not in fact fancy-dress and that dressing up when it was not requested or expected was not what would usually termed "normal" behavior, but it was to no avail: the concept of normality was almost as unfamiliar to Jennifer as it is to Bry who took a teddy bear to a high school dance.

Hannah also got everyone to wear her Feminist Rebellion Anti-Corset badges, and in fact got them all to join the Society Of Corset Killers (commonly known as SOCK). Gina batted a rolling badge with her paw saying "I don't really see what's so bad about corset's, I mean all they do is turn human beings into stick insects cutting off most of their air supply in the process" Hannah was about to use the pin part of the badge to inflict serious damage on the kitten before she realised that Gina was merely living up to the title of ship's resident sarcastic cat.

Bry suddenly noticed a major problem "oh my God!" she shrieked "we have no makeup!" Libby rolled her eyes "don't be stupid, we can borrow some"

"Off who? Anamaria? In case you haven't noticed she's not a 'makeup' sort of girl"

"Uh, have you seen Will lately, that is **not **natural skin! And don't tell me you haven't noticed Jack's affinity with eyeliner!" The others nodded and mumbled various mumblings along the lines "oh but of course" even Megi eventually had to admit that Jack, the love of her life, wore a hell of a lot of eyeliner. And mascara. And possibly some black eyeshadow. Hannah had been gone for a while and they were beginning to get concerned, well actually they couldn't care less about her but the author needed a way to point out the fact that she was no longer present. At that moment the girl who had until that moment been no longer present struggled through the door hauling an ENOURMAS suitcase "I have a little bit of makeup" she said, joining the conversation "not much but enough" Shiky was less interested in makeup and more interested in the suitcase (as she could not, as I hope most of my readers can, put two and two together) "I just said" Hannah answered "makeup" Bry clapped her hands for joy and giggled in a scary teenage girl sort of a way "where did you get all that from" she asked in wonderment "what do you mean?" said Hannah surprised "this is my basic kit, I take it everywhere with me" the unnamed critic saw another plot hole they could poke at with a stick insect (they thought it was a stick) "how come nobody noticed you had a massive suitcase with you in the dinghy in the first chapter?" Hannah grinned in the utter bliss of someone who is more then a little bit dim "I was sitting on it!" this line of defense was so utterly moronic that the unnamed critic couldn't argue with it and went away muttering. The author just realised that the unnamed critic has no gender ... oh well.

"Stop interjecting your comments in the middle of the story!" the booming voice told the author "you should put that kind of crap in the author's note" the author poked out her tongue at the booming voice and poked it with the stick insect she stole from the unnamed critic "hey!" said the booming voice "stop twisting the dimensions of reality, you can't poke a disembodied voice with a stick!"

"It's not a stick, it's a stick insect" the booming voice rolled its eyes (even though as a disembodied voice it technically didn't have eyes) suddenly the author had a thought "hey booming voice" she said "are you my conscience?"

"Yes Hannah, I am your conscience, we haven't spoken in a while how are you?"

"Not bad, hey conscience, am I dead?"

"No you are not dead. But you will be soon if you don't GET ON WITH THE BLOODY STORY!"

The author conceded and agreed to continue with her writing, however her characters had different ideas "this fanfic is crap!" said Shiky "there's no plot" Bry agreed "and the author keeps on going off into completely unrelated tangents about insects!" she added

"I want some Lord of the Rings characters!" wailed Jennifer.

"I wanna kiss Jack!" cried Megi.

"I want the bird to die!" complained Gina.

"I want to eat cheese!" said Hannah.

Everyone stared at Hannah "what?" she said. They proceeded to ignore her "right, that's it." said Libby decisively, the author nervously ventured the question "what's it?"

"We're going on strike!" announced Libby and all the other main characters cheered "strike?" the author stared in horror "yes! Strike!" shouted Libby "we will not have any part in this fanfiction until you give into our demands, the strike is enforced as of ... NOW!


	5. Strike

CHARACTERS HAVE GONE ON STRIKE

FIC WILL BE CONTINUED ONLY WHEN THE DEMANDS OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN MET

FIC ON HOLD UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

THANKYOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE


	6. Drugs and a Bowl of Petunias

Apologies to: Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp, Eddie Izzard, Joanne Harris, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, From Hell, Secret Window and Chocolat. To all of the above, I am deeply sorry.

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack and Will

Chapter Six:

Drugs and a Bowl of Petunias

All made up with Hannah's huge amounts of make-up the girls descended on the party "Right!" shouted Bry "let's get pissed!" with screams of delight the girls ran into the crowds. After a few quick scans of the ship, Hannah found what she was looking for, the band. More importantly the pirate playing a blue acoustic gitaur in the band, she analysed the situation and set out her plan of attack;

1) Make sure that she was accompanied by a girlfriend on approach.

"Libby!" Libby was in deep conversation with Mort and therefore totally ignoring Hannah's cries (well, yells) "Libby! LIBBY!"

"I don't think she's listening to you" said Gina, appearing from nowhere. Hannah glared at the kitten "tell me something I don't know"

"Did you know that 66.6 of statistics are made up on the spot!"

"Really? Wow!" Gina went to find a brick wall to bang her head against. Hannah ran up to Libby and shook her violently "fuck! Fuck! What? Fuck!" it seemed that shaking Libby violently caused her to curse violently. Hannah decided she had to try it again, she shook Libby and once again she let out a stream of filthy language. Hannah was about to do it again but Libby evaded her saying "No! Don't shake Libby! Bad Hannah!" so Hannah gave up shaking Libby and instead grabbed her by the elbow and dragged her off towards the band. Libby struggled, trying to get back to Mort and keeping up a constant whine of "want ... want..."

"I care not" Hannah told her "you have to help me get a guy"

"Mort ... want..." Hannah ignored Libby's pitiful cries and continued to advance towards the incredibly gorgeous guitar-playing gypsy, which brings us to point number two on the list;

2) Strike up a witty and intellectual conversation.

"Hi" Hannah smiled at Roux going totally spacey and stoner-esque from his aura of total gorgeousness. Roux smiled back and as a result Hannah's brain went into total meltdown and ceased all function "hi" she said again. Gina, who was watching the proceedings (having failed to find a brick wall) jumped down onto Shiky's shoulder from the rigging, giving Shiky a hell of a fright in the process "Shit! Do not jump on people!"

"Sorry..."

"What do you want?"

"Do I need a reason to talk to my friends?"

"I repeat my former question"

"I need a favor"

"How surprising"

"Hey! I'm the sarcastic kitten on this ship little missy! Anyway, I need you to slap Hannah"

"Okay"

"Don't you want to know why?"

"Not particularly"

Gina proceeded to make disgruntled kitten noises, Shiky proceeded to ignore her and also proceeded to slap Hannah. As Gina had hoped the slap had made Hannah stop gibbering like an abused baboon. This was good as there was already one abused baboon on the ship and having Hannah acting like one as well meant that there was simply far to much gibbering. One has to feel sorry for the abused baboon, it is currently owned by a pirate crew ("Every pirate crew has to have a small evil monkey!"

"I'm sorry sir but we're right out of small evil monkeys, we do have a fine selection of budgerigars though"

"No monkeys?"

"Well ... we do have an abused baboon"

"It'll have to do") and before that it was owned by a scary hyper teenage girl ("Look at my pretty balloon!"

"That's not your balloon, I have your balloon here!"

"Then what am I holding?"

"Libby! Put down that baboon!") and it's original owner had been a man in high heels and A LOT of make-up (I know what your thinking, he probably lives in a cave somewhere. But no, no, he's an executive transvestite!) So the poor baboon had really been through a hell of a time, it's no wonder it gibbers so. Shiky then slapped the author who stopped rambling about abused baboons and continued on telling the story.

Hannah, now awoken from her love-sick stupor, decided to tell Roux that she, like a heroine from a Joanne Harris novel, was destined to come into some small picturesque village in the south of France, liven up the incredibly dull and backwards place and in the process fall in love with the local gorgeous rogue. But before she could his aura of attractiveness melted her braincells "I'm a novel" she said before passing out in a happy haze.

"And once again" announced Gina "the author of this fic has passed out" the author frowned "no I haven't" she said. Everyone was very confused "I thought Hannah was the author" said Shiky

"She is" said the author

"But your the author"

"I am"

"But that doesn't make any sense!"

"Yes it does!"

"How"

"It's simple! I'm schizo"

Libby was distraught "she can't be schizo! That's Mort's thing! She's mental disorder stealer!" Mort poked his head out of a large cloud of opium smoke "someone say m'name?" Jack and Fred both popped out of the cloud as well, to see what was going on. Megi followed Jack, this was mainly because she was holding onto one of Jack's dreads and staring at it "the snake just turned purple!" she giggled before disappearing back into the smoke "I've said it before and I'll say it again" mewed Gina "this fic is screwed"

"Life is screwed" shrugged Libby before following her beloved Mort into the cloud of opium fumes. Hannah and Bry would have also joined her if it were not for the fact that Hannah was currently unconscious and Bry had sworn off drugs since the 'Norrington incident'. She had not, however, sworn of alcohol and was consuming great quantities of the stuff. She had wanted rum and coke, but because of the lack of coke she had instead mixed her rum with ale. The resulting substance was absolutely disgusting but potently alcoholic (mainly because of the slightly skewed ratio of ale to rum) and Bry was completely wasted within ten minutes.

Gina was complaining about everything with an incessant mewing until someone (probably Jack) spiked her drink with a substance suspiciously similar to E. Gina had taken to climbing up the rigging jumping down on peoples head and telling them how much she loved them "I love you! I really do you know. You are my most favourite person. In the world. In the world!"

"It's on my head!" bawled Jack running in circles. Jack finally managed to rid himself of the barnacle that was Gina, the tiny kitten flew across and landed on top of the still unconscious Hannah "careful!" warned Libby, who smelled strongly of marijuana "you might wake her up!" Gina blinked "you can't wake her up" she giggled "she's unconscious!"

"You might!" said Libby, now seriously distressed "she could wake up all half-baked and ... and ... half-baked" Libby trailed off into giggles. Suddenly a light came into her eyes "lets call Howard!" Libby picked up Gina and swung her around in circles in what seemed to be a very stoned attempt to dance. As she whizzed through the air, Gina vaguely wondered who Howard was, and if he had any relation to plot (if there was one) of this fanfiction. She decided it was probably more likely that the author was simply ripping off yet another movie, apparently a film with stoners in it. The Gina became more interested in the sperm whale and bowl of petunias falling from the sky "not again" thought the bowl of petunias "this is more irrelevant film rip-offs then the readers of this fic will be able to take"

At that precise moment Hannah woke up "woah" she mumbled, clutching her spinning head "I feel all half-baked ... " but the sudden dousing of salt water caused by the sperm whale hitting the ocean just beside the ship quickly fixed that, in fact it sobered everyone up quite effectively. Suddenly the party was very very boring "well" said Jack "that ended that"

"Hang on" said Will "aren't we supposed to be rescuing Elizabeth?"

"No!" said Bry "what gave you that idea?" but before anyone could argue anymore Will had whisked them all back onto their own ship and started sailing away, with a few extras who either tagged along or were dragged along. The tag-alongs included Fred Abberline (who had formed a strong friendship with Jack in the cloud of opium smoke) and his girlfriend Gezelda (one of Tortuga's many whores, no one knows why so many of them are named Gezelda and no one ever will). The dragged along included Mort Rainey (Mort: "but this is my ship! My crew needs its captain! Why can't you come with the Rainey Day From Hell?" Libby: "because I'm a main character, I can't just sail off into the sunset, my actions having absolutely no relevance to the plot!") and Roux (Roux: "she won't let go of my arm! Some one get her off me!" Hannah: "you will never escape! NEVER!" glomph)

And so with this slightly (well completely) screwed up crew they once again took up the chase of the Black Pearl. Will's constant whining was placated somewhat by a combination of the restarted search for Elizabeth and the hangover he now nursed, many of the crew had suffered a similar fate, Hannah, Libby, Bry and Megi were slumped in a pile in the middle of the deck occasionally moaning things like "I'm never drinking another drop as long as I live" or getting up to be sick over the side of the ship. Everyone else was in pretty much the same condition, rolling around the deck and clutching their heads, with the exception of Jack, Shiky, Jenno and Gina. And Gina was probably nursing a hangover with just as much horrific pain only no one really knew because no one knew where she was, and no one really cared. Jack would have been in a very serious state that morning if it hadn't been for the simple fact that he was already drunk again and dancing around the ship with a rum bottle in hand, singing. No one was quite sure what it was that he was singing, all they could tell was that it was primarily tuneless and every verse ended with the line "and if yeh see glass at tha bottom of yeh glass its time teh fill up again!". As for Jenno and Shiky neither of them drank, and therefore were not hungover, Jenno was trying to convince Will that he should dye his hair blonde "and straighten it too" and Shiky was at the bow of the ship, staring at the dead body that lay there.


	7. Dead Parrots and Bryony's Twitching

N/A: all recognisable characters are owned by… hmm… whoever owns Pirates of the Caribbean… Disney I think. My friends own themselves, I own The Unnamed Critic, The Disembodied Booming Voice and the stick insect. Eddie Izzard owns the Abused Baboon (though he doesn't know it) and the devil owns my soul.

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will

Chapter 7: Bryony's Twitching and a Dead Parrot

"Hahaha!" The Author laughed her very best evil laugh. "Left you hanging with that one didn't I, bet you were hanging on to the edge of your seat, cursing the slow speed of your modem as it loaded this chapter! Either that or you were waiting for me to update, cursing the slow speed of my typing! Or of course you may not care at all. The latter is probably the most likely option…"

"Got that right" said The Unnamed Critic.

"Fuck up" said The Author and threw a stick insect at The Unnamed Critic. The Unnamed Critic left cursing and composing flame reviews.

"Anyway," The Author continued "the point I'm getting to is that this cliffhanger is in fact quite an anticlimax, no one's dead. Not anyone that any reader would ever really care about. Not that I could really imagine anyone really caring about any of my characters anyway but that's beside the point. See: (.that) there's the point (.) and that's beside it. Anyway you'll only care if you happen to really like Cotton's parrot, that is of course, who is dead." It was at this point that The Booming Voice from the sky interrupted "Why don't you actually write the story like a normal author?"

The Author laughed "Since when have I ever been a normal author?"

The Booming Voice sighed "I suppose not, just get on with the goddamn story will you." The Author pulled the fingers at The Booming Voice's retreating back (quite disregarding the fact that disembodied voices do not generally posses backs) then sat down to continue the story.

Shiky stared horrified at the body of the deceased parrot. Blood stained its bright feathers and its head was skewed at an unnatural angle and many other gruesome descriptions as well. Now you might think that Shiky's first thought was for the owner of said parrot. But the fact of the matter was that no one really cared about Cotton, but Jenno had formed something of a friendship with the talkative bird and so Shiky's first thought was to tell her hobbit obsessed friend the tragic news.

She climed the rigging (captain's coming! Do the Charlie! Captain's daughter! Ooooh! The author twirled her hair) and clambered in to the crow's nest beside Jenno who was still singing, although she had finished crooning 'Into The West' and had begun to warble 'In Dreams'

"But in dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams…"

"Hey Jenno"

"…I ca-aan heeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar your naaaaaaaaaaaame…"

"Yo, Jenno!"

"…And in dreeaaaaaaaaaams…"

"Hey Jen!"

"We wiii-iiill meeeeeeeet aaaaaaaaaaGAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"

"JENNIFER!"

"What?"

"Jesus Christ. Took you long enough!"

"I'm listening now, sorry"

Jenno's disposition was considerably meeker then the other idiots and so she tended to apologise a great deal more, which was ironic, as she also tended to do the least wrong. But we do seem to be getting sidetracked.

"I've got something to tell you" said Shiky, deciding to keep the plot moving and ignore The Author's little tangents. "What?" asked Jenno, as people tend to ask when you tell them that you've got something to tell them, the funny thing is no one ever thinks to ask whether that was it, that the thing you had to tell them was that you've got something to tell them. That is probably because this is far too confusing for most people to think about. Once again Shiky ploughed on with the storyline regardless of the authors irrelevant rambling. "I'm sorry Jenno, but, Cotton's parrot is … no longer with us."

"Has he gone on holiday too then?" Jenno asked in a strong Coronation Street-type British accent. This was not quite the reaction Shiky had been expecting. In fact it was a damn weird thing to say full stop. Shiky was about to ask Jenno whether she'd had any of those 'dietary supplements' that Jack kept trying to convince Will to take when she remembered where she had heard that phrase before, it was a direct quote Chicken Run (complete with pohmmy accent) and once again the author was dropping in stupid and irrelevant movie rip-offs. Shiky made a mental note to ignore any particularly unusual behaviour from Jenno in the future.

"Not exactly; Jenno, he's dead."

"No!" Jenno's voice had raised several octaves "Why? When?"

"I dunno, I just found him."

Jenno sat on the floor and proceeded to sob inconsolably.

Shiky stood uncomfortably beside the sobbing Jenno , patting her on the shoulder and trying to be comforting "Listen" she said "I'd better go tell the others, want to come?" Jenno sniffed and nodded, Shiky patted her on the shoulder once more and they left the crows nest again, climbing down the rigging together (scrub the decks! Do the Helipad! Man the lifeboats: Five! Damfnoodle amagestaht ein… ) once more to where the collapsed heap of Libby, Bry, Megi and Hannah lay, moaning and mumbling things like "…never drink again…"

"Guys" Shiky announced "I have some news." The pitiful moaning subsided slightly as attentions were turned towards Shiky. Hannah however was still ignoring the rest of the world as she continued a disconsolate diatribe bemoaning the lack of panadol in whatever century it was that they were in (17th?).

"Some bad news" she clarified. Of course one has to question whether the death of Cotton's parrot qualified as bad news, for the singular reason that pretty much no one but Jenno gave a damn about the bloody bird. In fact many, Gina high on the list, found him rather irritating.

Bry certainly had doubts over whether the matter warranted her attention, and stated so:

"I fail to see how a dead bird should be higher on my list of priorities then bemoaning the state of my hangover."

"How do you know about it already?" asked Shiky. Bry shrugged "The Author said it in the last paragraph" she said. Shiky glared at the author "Thanks for ruining my important announcement"

"It's not my fault you're not fast enough" said The Author. Shiky replied with an old standard of hers "Go hump a tree!" A statement which, whilst being distinctly …unique… to an outside observer, was perfectly ordinary to anyone who had known Shiky for any length of time.

The Author turned on heel in a pointedly irritated manner and stalked down the ship, where she met Anamaria. Anamaria had a bone to pick with The Author.

"You seem to have forgotten I exist" she said "you mentioned me briefly in the fourth chapter and then completely forgot about me from that moment on! What the fuck? I reckon I was a fairly important enough character in the film to merit a bit of a look-in on this parody!"

The shifted uncomfortably "well yes, I know you were vital in the film … it's just … well … you see … I had this plot line … and … well …" Anamaria glared at the author, a glare that quite simply said "quit fucking around and give me a straight answer". And so the author took a deep breath and endevered to give said straight answer "Okay, well it's pretty much a given that you and Jack are gonna get together in the second potsy flick … so to have you not getting together in this parody would just be wrong. But the thing is it's kind of been my plan to set him up with one of the other characters. So I thought best way to avoid the complications you present would be just to kind of … cease to mention you … so people would forget about it and I'd be able to carry on with my plotline in peace."

Anamaria was understandably annoyed at this. But to the author's credit she did seem sufficiently guilty about attempting to write the pirate out of existence. So she offered Anamaria a form of compensation "Look" said the author "you can pretty much take your pick from any of the other hot Johnny Depp characters that we've managed to hook in with us and anyone else we may pick up along the way. How about Fred? I can always kill off Gezelda, after all, she's not even a real character yet." That offer sparked Ana's interest, she looked to the stern of the ship, to where Fred and Jack were ambling about in a happy, drunken state together.

"Fred, you say"

"All yours for the taking, just as long as you leave Jack to go along with my storyline"

"Deal"

"Wonderful to do business with you"

Gezelda suddenly suffered a horrific death at the hands of a giant seagull.

"Heh, would you look at that" said Fred.

Meanwhile, back in the plot, Bry too had noticed something, "On a topic that has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot" she began.

"Wait," interrupted Libby "how do you know the parrot was murdered?" Bry shrugged "no idea, go ask the author. Anyway, as I was saying; on a topic that has absolutely nothing to do with the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot-"

"Well there's not really many ways it could have died" said Megi, ignoring Bry "unless it had a heart attack or something…"

"Oi!" said Bry "I'm talking no. Me. Attention here. On a topic completely unrelated to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot-"

"No, I saw the body, that sure as hell wasn't a heart attack he had" said Shiky.

"Excuse me I'm trying to make a point on a subject that has no relation to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot!"

"You say _he_, but does anyone actually know the gender of Cotton's Parrot?" said Hannah.

Being ignored wasn't something that suited Bryony very well, she began to twitch.

"Well it's gender doesn't really matter now does it" said Libby. Megi nodded, "what does matter, is who killed him/her."

As no one had noticed Bry's twitching she jerked her entire body in a large spastic movement (to which is applied the same psychology as the twitching: "notice me goddamnit!" ) Finally, Hannah caved "oh for gods sake Bryony stop doing that and just say what it is you want to say!"

Bry stopped twitching.

"On a subject that-" she began, but Shiky cut her off "we _know_ it's on a subject completely nothing to do with the mysterious murder of Cotton's parrot, Bry" she said "but what's the actually point?"

"I just wanted to ask if anyone knew where Gina is."

"No" said Libby

"And no one cares either" added Hannah.

"Well fine then" said Bry, giving Hannah a venomous look. Megi interrupted their glaring contest (which is much like a staring contest but much more pissed off and is one of the most popular sports at the gotholympics, ahead of grandma-scaring and the eyeliner throw) by drawing all attention to herself.

"Everyone! Pay attention to me!" she said "We have a mystery to solve!"

"We need to compile a list of suspects!" said Jenno brightly, quite excited by the prospect of a murder inquiry, and produced a pen and paper from no where.

"Right" she said.

"Suspects" said Megi.

"Yes" said Libby.

Much staring and blinking was done.

Finally, Shiky asked "Does anyone have any ideas?"

More staring and blinking occurred.

"It was Hannah" said Libby.

"It was Libby" said Hannah.

"Should I write that down?" asked Jenno.

"You mean should you take them seriously?" said Shiky

"Well should I?" she asked

"No" said Bry, with a decisive hand gesture "never."

Hannah smiled sunnily. Libby attempted to bite her own elbow. And everyone stopped paying attention to them.

It was at that point that Will came running and screaming towards them and hid behind Bry. Bry took the opportunity to bad her eyelashes flirtatiously at him, but he was to busy staring in terror at the menacing figure perched on the side of the ship, looking at him through black and beady eyes.Will quivered in fear. The seagull clicked its beak menacingly. Will screamed and clutched Bry's shoulder's "Save me! Dear god save me!" he whimpered.

" …sure…" Bry stood, crossed the deck, shooed away the seagull, and sat back down. Everyone now stared at Will, who curled in a foetal position on the wooden boards of the Black Pearl's deck, muttering to himself.

" …hear the cry of the gull on the shore … your heart will rest in the forest no more…" over and over again. Megi poked him with a convenient stick, when that had no effect she hit him over the head with it. He stopped muttering and stared wide-eyed up at her "she was blue!" he whispered in fear. After a bit more prodding with the stick (and the odd stick insect) it was discovered that upon crawling into bed to sleep off his hideous hangover, Will had had a horrific vision, in which a point eared woman appeared before him, turned a horrifying shade of blue and told him to beware of seagulls.

It was decided by all present that this curious little factoid could be shelved away until later in the fic when it (a) made any vague form of sense and (b) became relevant to the plot. It was quite possible it would be on that shelf for a very long time. Bryony saw fit to cradle the distraught almost-pirate in her arms and stroke his ever so shiny hair.

There was a sudden lull in the plot, and so the author decided the time was ripe for a random, inexplicable character introduction. Therefore it was at this point that Ella came wandering out onto the deck. Spotting Hannah and Libby she ran towards her two wives "where the hell am I?" she asked.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Jack, who had just swandered over.

"Dear god! It's another one of them!" exclaimed Fred who had just swandered over with him "where do they keep coming from?"

"This Ella" said Libby "she's my sexy wife"

"_Our _sexy wife" Hannah corrected her. Libby nodded "of course, my love."

Ella interrupted there inane dialogue, as people are wont to do as it truly is the pinnacle of inane "can someone please explain to me where I am and how I got here?"

Jack grinned in a very attractive evil-glint-in-eye like manner "yer on the Black Pearl, lassie" he said "hope ye' enjoy yer stay" unfortunately the dramatic effect of what was supposed to be an ironic statement was undermined somewhat by Megi nodding happily and reassuring her "you will, it's really fun."

* * *

Feeeeeeeeed meeeeeeeeeee Seymore.

And for people who have never seen Little Shop of Horrors: Review:D


	8. Pinot Noir and Vats of Melted Chocolate

Disclaimer: I and my friends own ourselves, The Unnamed Critic and the Booming Voice are mine, and everything else belongs to Disney, or whichever other film I pilfered it from.

A/N: The thrilling conclusion is close, I can taste it. Soon, very soon, the day of the original will be over, and the time of the sequel will begin…

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will

Chapter 8:

Quite suddenly, the author remembered that she was parodying a film, a film that once upon a time had a plot, and not merely recounting the fictional misadventures of herself and her mad friends on board a pirate ship. And therefore The Interceptor finally caught up to The Black Pearl (hmm … yes, that's right, they weren't actually on The Black Pearl all that time were they … best just ignore every mention of the ship they were on up until now … please?) and sailed into … that really creepy island … that probably once upon a time had a name but it's been too damn long since the author watch this actual movie.

People cast worried glances at the various bits of ships and skeletons that made a charming home for all the hammerhead sharks and eerie music began to play. "Libby, you piano playing is lovely," said Hannah "but this really isn't the time." The eerie music stopped and Libby closed the lid of the grand piano she had playing and the Author couldn't be screwed explaining it's presence on the ship and the Unnamed Critic began tearing out his/her hair in utter frustration at the ridiculous level of 'and's in this endless run-on sentence, "Dear god woman! Do you care nothing for the readers?" s/he howled.

"I adore the readers!" exclaimed the author "Especially when they review!" (winkwinknudgenugde) "But if they have to endure a little poor grammar for the sake of true genius, then so be it!" The Unnamed Critic threw heavy books at the author "Aah! '_Pagans and Christians from the second century AD to the conversion of Constantine_'!" she wailed, and "Ow! '_The Silmarillion_'!!!" It was when the bible hit her squarely between the eyes that she decided to carry on writing the actual story.

The important characters in the film (ie: Jack and Will) and the stupid people who refused to stay put (par example: Libby, Hannah, Bry, Ella and Megi) and the sane people who got dragged along forcefully by the stupid people (eg: Shiky, Jenno and Roux – Hannah and Ella wanted to keep l'homme mignon in view at all times whilst they formulated a plan involving a large vat of chocolate and Roux being naked).

"Should we lick of the melted chocolate?" queried Ella "Or wait 'til it hardens and eat it off?"

"Wait 'til what hardens?" asked Bry, with a devious glint. "The chocolate!" Hannah reprimanded her "Get your mind out of the gutter girl!"

"Oh yes, because you plans to dip Roux in chocolate and then eat it off him and gutter-esque in the slightest."

"…"

Roux took the opportunity to hide behind Jack, who assured him of his safety "Don' worry lad, where a' they gonna get a vat of chocolate from anyways?"

"Well," reasoned Will "you'd have thought they'd have found it difficult to get their hands on a grand piano too."

"My dear boy, on of these days I'm going to have to teach you the art of when and when not to open your trap."

"I can hardly wait."

"Cacaw! Cacaw!" screamed Jack, in imitation of a seagull. Will shrieked like a little girl (or a blonde elf, if you prefer) and hid behind Roux. "Hehe" chuckled Hannah "everybody wants to get in behind Jack." Libby looked mildly sickened at the insinuation, and Bry grinned her appreciation for Hannah's slashy mind. Whilst the innuendo went whistling over everybody else's heads. Like a paper plane. Or a very quiet helicopter.

The little dingy hit the shores of the hidden isle with an ominous thud. As they clambered ashore, the grey mist swirled about them ominously, and some kind of ominous creaking noise that was supposed part of the diagetic noise came from an indefinable source. And the author decided that she really liked the word 'ominous'.

"Where the hell have you been?" Elizabeth strode out of the cave like the embodiment of the Furies. "I've had to fight off an entire crew of undead pirates single-handedly!"

"Undead?" Will repeated.

"Yes! Un-fucking-dead!" Elizabeth told him "Undead, tied up, weighted down and resting on the ocean floor, no thanks to anyone bar myself!" at this she took a dagger from the leather belt she was sporting about her slim waist "Now Elizabeth," Will began "Don't you think that perhaps your being a little-"

"Oh don't get your panties in a twist," she told him "no one wants to kill you. Well, no one this side of sea level at any rate." With that she struck a gash across one of Will's outstretched arms, causing the would-be-pirate to whimper like a virgin uke, and caught a few drops of blood on the gold medallion she held in her left hand, then bandaged up his bleeding arm with a strip of material torn from her petticoat, all before Will had shut his gaping mouth.

"Get in the dingy," dear Liz instructed "I'll explain everything on the way to Black Pearl" and she quickly popped back inside to return the last remaining piece of Aztec gold to the chest thereby breaking the curse and causing all the pirates on the seabed to drown.

"My dear Elizabeth," said Jack "have I ever told you how much I truly adore you?"

"No, Jack Sparrow, I don't believe you have and I would greatly appreciate it if you would refrain from doing so in future also, now get in the dingy."

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Ella "She's completely off her rocker! I mean, seriously, Jack is sex on sea-legs. The kind that merits a vat of melted chocolate!"

"Oh Jesus." Said Jack.

"See what I mean." Said Roux.

"Well I would protect you from rabid teens," said Gina "with my terrifying kitten claws. But unfortunately the author seems to have forgotten that I exist." The author regarded Gina with a feint air of guilt "Damn it!" she cried "too many goddamn characters to keep track of!"

"Then kill some off!" said Gina "Don't just pretend we don't exist!" which is, of course, exactly what the author had being doing throughout the entire fic. So far, Gina, Anamaria, Norrington and Cotton had all gone the way of Nightcrawler in the third X-men flick, evaporating out of fictional existence like the morning dew in the midday sun. "Yes, where is Norrington?" asked the Booming Voice, and the author shrugged "Back on the Interceptor with the rest of Jack's crew, I guess – or was it the Dauntless that Jack and Will stole? I dunno … like I say, far too damn long since I've actually watched this movie." All of the characters gave the Author a bizarre look, and she realised that once again, she bent the borders of reality a little too far. Still worrying about Norrington, the Booming Voice asked "so why hasn't anybody noticed him yet? I mean, he's really not _supposed _to be on that ship at all, he's supposed to be pursuing with the Royal Navy!" The Author flapped an uncaring hand "Because he's hiding."

"Why?"

The Author's eyes twinkled mischievously "All will be revealed, my friend, all in good time."

The Booming Voice got tired of the author's twinkly-eyed ways, and left again, and Jack and his … crew (?) went and claimed the Black Pearl for _Captain _Jack Sparrow, and henceforth had a party.

----------------------

"Play, piano monkey!" cried Hannah, again, waving the rum bottle above her head as though it was some kind of symbol of authority. Obligingly, Libby began to play Mozart. Hannah waved the rum bottle again "No! Not Wolfy! I need to be sober for Wolfy. Play me some jazz, Lieblich, play me some jazz!" After a fair amount of coaxing, Libby began to lazily twiddle at Gershwin, whilst Hannah crooned along – though perhaps 'crooned' isn't quite the right word, as Hannah's singing ability, usually ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FANTASTIC because she is a JAZZ BITCH (want proof, go see our bandroom account! Says we got through to regionals dunnit! ) was somewhat dulled by her somewhat inebriated state. Roux attempted to take the opportunity to sneak off the ship in one of the lifeboats, but Ella noticed his escape attempt and threw a corkscrew at him "No!" she yelled "Bad Frenchman!" Roux sighed, and sat down next to her. She extended a bottle towards him "Pinot noir, mon chère?" He took it and examined the label "Product of California?" he read "Ugh. American wine." And promptly tossed it over the side of the ship. "What are you doing?!" screamed Bry "That was perfectly good alcohol!" and she dove in after it. Unfortunately for Bry, the pinot noir was already staining the waves blood red. Nearby hammerhead sharks saw the water turning to wine (Holy jeebus! It's a miracle!) and mistook it for blood (quite regardless of the fact that hammerheads are colourblind and hunt by smell). Bry was torn, between risking her own life in the jaws of those oncoming sharks, and the life of her precious pinot. She grabbed the bottle, and made to swim back to the ship, but it was too late, three hammerheads closed their jaws over her flesh, efficiently breaking her body into handy-dandy bite-sized chunks and dragged the mangled corpse to their lair at the bottom of the ocean.

"So let me get this straight," said the Booming Voice to the author "you can't keep track of all your characters, so to cut down you let one of your best friends be eaten by sharks."

"You make it sound so cruel!"

"It is cruel! You killed of your best friend with hammerheads sharks!"

"Only fictional sharks!"

"Which you used to write her out of your fiction!"

"Well, someone had to go, and Bry seemed the most likely to jump into a shark infested ocean after wine."  
"You killed my sister because she was most likely to jump ship for pinot gris?" mewled Gina.

"Pinot noir, actually, and you can't be that upset, she killed you after all."

"Well, yes, but I got better."

"Bry might get better too!"

"She could be reincarnated as a newt!" reasoned Libby (though perhaps reason might not be quite applicable in this circumstance).

"Guys," said Shiky "I think you're all slightly missing the point. Bry is dead, shouldn't we all be like, grieving or something?"

At this, Jenno burst into cataclysmic sobs, Hannah and Libby sat on the floor, hugging each other and blinking wetly, Ella comforted herself with ice cream, Shiky went emo, Jack, Will, Roux, Fred and Mort cracked open a bottle of champers and Megan let out a stream of pirate curse words so vile that her voice shook the foundations of the earth. The foul torrent from her lips caused every thing in a thirty mile radius to flee to the other side of the planet. Unfortunately, this included the occupants of the Black Pearl, so that by the time she'd finished they'd circled the globe three times in a frenzied (and pointless) escape attempt, and they now had no clue as to where they had ended up.

When Megan finally ceased the furious onslaught of foul pirate curses, everyone was shocked speechless, everyone that is, except for Jack.

"That," he said, with tears welling up in his infamously coal-rimmed eyes "was the most beautiful thing I ever heard. Megan, most wonderful angel of swear words, will you marry me?"

"Aw, I'm sorry Jack" said Megi "but I can't, I'm in love with someone else."

"Who?"

"Josh." She lifted her fringe to show him the 'I -heart- Josh' tattoo on her forehead.

So Jack went emo too.

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Review 'cause you love me? 

And the bandroom account is at www. theset .co .nz /decandance -minus the spaces


	9. Purple Sky and the Appreciation of Slash

Disclaimer: Mine! All mine! Screw Disney! I want it! But they can have it back after I've finished toying with it…

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will 

Chapter Nine: Purple-Swirly Sky and the Appreciation of Slash.

Well then with all the ends tied nicely up, decided the author, it's time to end with a wedding… But Megan having rejected Jack Sparrow –

"That's _Captain _Jack Sparrow to you missy!" interrupted Jack, over Ella's disbelieving wails of _"Madness! Madness!" _(so stricken was she at the amount of rejection Jack had received so far today).

- But Megan having madly rejected _Captain _Jack Sparrow, the question was who would be wed, to put a sweet bow on top of this nicely wrapped up tale –

"Excuse me?!" interrupted the (genderless) Unnamed Critic "Nicely wrapped up? So far you haven't explained _any _of your bizarre and seemingly pointless plot devices!!!"

"Hehe, whoops, right you are…" said the Author. And henceforth went about resolving some of the many question marks that littered her idiot ramble of a fanfiction. First, the question of what the hell was going on with Norrington.

Coming up from their underground (quoi?) hiding place below decks to join the party, Norrington and Cotton appeared looking shifty. Jack gave a start "What the bleeding hell are ye' doin' on me ship?!" he asked Norrington accusingly. And Norrington blushed "Well you see…" he began, but apparently the Captain didn't see, and held a blade beneath Norrington's chin.

"Now, can't we discuss this like gentlemen … ?" said Norry, arms in the air in the classic 'please-don't-kill-me' gesture. "You see I'm not here by choice at all really … I am but a slave, a slave to love!"

"Oh for christ's sake!" swore Elizabeth, but Hannah had already cottoned on to the fact that this little plot twist may not involved dear Liz at all, and henceforth decided – with dearest Bryony missing in action until the sequel at least – she needed to summon someone else with a suitably slashy mind to appreciate this less then obvious character development. "By the power invested in my as author of this fic," cried to author, casting her arms to suddenly swirling blackening heavens "I command the fates to bring Luana to me!" A flash of lightening came down from the purply-swirly sky and hit the deck (lawl), and when it was gone, a dark emo figure stood in its place.

"Oh for yaoi's sake, I'm not a goddamn emo!" said Luana for the thousandth time "I just own a pair of black jeans!"

"I know," said the Author "it's just fun to mock you, Lulu-chan."

"And my name isn't fucking Lulu either. Sounds like a goddamn dancing bear or something."

Apparently the purple-haired girl was less then thrilled to have been transported by lightening to an unnamed destination by this unnamed 'Author'. But then she saw her fellow choir geeks, Hannah, Ella, and libs, and was cool with it. Then she spied the four hot Johnny Depp incarnations and was very much cool with the whole situation.

"So what's the deal, where are we?" she asked.

"First potsy movie." Supplied the ever helpful Hannah

"First?"

"Author started writing this before the sequels came out."

"I remember that!" said Megan "Back when the fic was still first person narrative!"

"Shh!" said the author "I'm hoping the reader's have forgotten about that!"

"I would think it was Dramatic Narrative now, because the author doesn't go inside any of the characters heads, however she does sometimes write herself in … which would mean it's still technically first person … but she's the author, not a character…"

Megan began to get confused little stars encircling her head, and gave up trying to analyse this fic like it was actually literature. Because, really, really, it's not.

"Could you stop bringing more of these bratty little lasses onto me ship and get back to dealin' with the matter at hand, that being the less then welcome presence of this here navy dingbat on me beloved Pearl." Without removing the tip of his sword from under Norrington's pale (and getting paler by the minute) neck, Jack took a knife from his belt and waved it in Author's general direction in a drunken but threatening manner "meep" said the Author and nodded vigorously.

"My presence on this ship," said Norrington pompously (once a pompous git, always a pompous git) "can be explained by this man here." He said, putting an arm around Cotton's shoulders. As Hannah had rightly guessed, Luana clicked on immediately, "Woah," she said "that's just nasty."

"Now wait just one blessed minute," said Jack "I was of the thinking that this man was a mute and as such can't be expected to explain a damn thing. 'Specially now 'is parrot's one o' the dearly departed – bless his soul."

"I didn't mean literally you ill-bred twit."

"This ill-bred twit 'ho's holdin' a blade to ye' lilly white throat, Mr. Norrington?"

Norrington was silent for a moment, and Jack took that as acknowledgement of his superiority (but let's face it, Jack would take a slap to the face as an acknowledgement of his superiority) and spared the over-powdered dweeb his life.

"Hey, Jack" said Shiky from her emo corner "I thought you said last chapter that you were gonna be emo with me."

"Oh yeah," said Jack "Because of the heartbreaking rejection I suffered from the swear-queen love of my life."

He inspected his wrists for a moment, but found that they were so full of various battle-scars, punishment brands and tattoos that there simply wasn't any room for self-mutilation. "Sorry love, but I think I'd rather drink myself into oblivion instead – now where's me rum?" He wandered off down the decks to find his precious rum, leaving Shiky to do a solo act as the token emo in the corner. And Norrington and Cotton to announce their intentions to the rest of the room. (Deck, ship, whatever.)

"We are in love, you see, and plan to be wed."

"_Eww!"_

"_Why?"_

"_Aww, I love weddings!"_

"_That's seriously wrong…"_

"But what about Bry?" asked Hannah "Didn't you screw her?"

"Aaah, about that – no."

All the little pieces of Bryony in the sharks stomach rested in peace, finally, with the knowledge, that no, she did not have any involvement with Norrington.

"So what did happen?" Hannah wasn't going to let him get away that easily.

"Well you see, she … found out … about us. We wanted to keep it a secret until it could be revealed in the final chapter as a finishing plot twist. She caught us – red handed, as it were, and she came in, and asked for advice for writing her fanfiction. She wanted to know if some of the slash she had written was physically possible or not… And then she passed out on the bed. And when she woke up and assumed – well – what I suppose most people would assume when they wake up next to someone with no recollection of the night before … I let her think that, so that our secret didn't get out."

"And Cotton's parrot, he would have broken your little story too, I suppose?" Shiky came dramatically out from the shadow, blood marks on her wrists and mascara dripping artfully down her cheeks, both eyes narrowed at Norrington. Norrington's gaze dropped to the floor.

"Yes. Yes he would. I admit it. I killed the Parrot."

There was a resounding gasp from all on board! And all the readers gasped out loud too because they were highly emotionally involved with the fanfic they were reading! And Cotton looked at his lover with shock in his eyes, wondering how he could ever trust him again. "I did it for us!" cried Norrington, pleadingly. But Cotton simply walked away without saying a thing. (Understandable really, being mute and all).

"Well that wedding's not going to happen…" said Megan "So who's getting married now???"

Luckily, the perfect ending was saved, as from the corner, Jack's voice came echoing _"Darling! Will you marry me?"_

Everyone whipped around to see who it was he was talking to … silence echoed throughout the ship, as all on board discovered the identity of Jack's bride to be. Some crickets chirped. A ball of tumble weed rolled across the deck and fell off the other side again with a faint splash. And Jack's 'Darling' made no reply. Of course, this was mainly because Jack's Darling was totally incapable of replying. Being an inanimate object and all. Namely a barrel of rum.

But Jack married his barrel of rum anyway, despite it's lack of consent. (Pirate's aren't really bothered about little things like consent (ooer, that's really dodge).) It was a beautiful wedding, the groom wore chocolate dip (not really with his consent, but Ella's much like a pirate in that respect), the bride wore oak, and big black letters saying ME RUM.

"We're assuming of course, that the barrel of rum is female." Pointed out Hannah.

"Send!" said Luana, with great delight, an exclamation which loosely translates as "Whee, gayboys!"

A shout was heard from above, breaking up the joyous wedding party. One of Jack's minions in the crow's nest had spotted land at last. (The pointless running away from Megi's swearing had set them far adrift and quite lost indeed.) They drew up to the strange port, with it's glowing mountainsides and boats fashioned after the shapes of swans. Hannah leaned to an excitable Jennifer and said what they were both thinking _"My dear, I don't think we're in the Caribbean anymore…" _

Thereby leaving room for an exciting sequel.

THE END

(ish)

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REVIEW BITCHES!!!! 


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